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Sample Poems

Murder on the Rocks

Up spirits! Alarum!
Muster drums & trumpets,
prepare tantrum’s rostrum
for a dunder tumbler rumbler
& rummy variorum.
Take sweet saccharum
& distill lacrimae rerum
of Europe’s delirium,
Guinea’s erumny
& cimarrónes in irons.
Affront humdrum doldrums
with a raw rumbullion –
deftly draw the drumly
tap the taffy tots
& with a gill of grog
irrumate the nasty nostrum.
Oh, jorum of aurum –
Ad, sacred sailor serum –
Ah, conundrum’s colostrum –
Ho, mare liberum in a rumkin –
Frumth indecorum
thrump Reina & royaume
screech brumled rumbellion!
Once galleons ran rhumbs,
now batty Bacardi barons
club Havana & rumba.
Fulcrum to Benin’s bite
& coked Cuban lustrum –
on the tongue, an empire burns
in simulacrum.

Safer Lex (excerpt)

Treat your plumber’s helper gently and keep him out of sun.

Practice putting on a pullover while manning the cockpit on your own.

You never know when jack will strike the jackpot so carry a rainjacket at all times. This is not “zipper morals” but a responsible way to get one’s chimney swept.

Open the envelope carefully to avoid damaging your diving suit. Then, gently pull the cassock over the bishop’s mitre.

If you plan to do some uphill gardening, use lots of jelly on your hoe handle – you don’t want the seed sack to split when carrying wild oats!

If making sandwiches or moving from a mustard jar to a honey pot, never use the same Freudian slip twice.

Also, Freudian slips come in many textures and sizes.

Once you have sent your troops to the hinterlands, carefully withdraw and pull off your armor. Watch out, it will be full of live ammunition!

Remember: For trips to the Pink Palace in the Black Forest, rubber boots are essential. Riding stallions? Saddle up!